This is from my myspace blog from Nov 12, 2005 upon my visit to NYC and Ground Zero. I decided to dig it out, reflect and repost.
My how some things change and yet some things are meant to linger...
Enjoy.
I'm currently in NYC. I played last night at Spirit. It was great.
This morning my wife and I headed down to WTC Ground Zero. I have not been to nyc since before 9/11/01. Of course, like many of you, those events had a profound effect on my life. For some reason I've been fighting with demons in my mind from that day for a number of years. I decided that I would lay them to rest with this visit to NYC. My trip to the Gound Zero site was more important that the gig that brought me here.
Since I found out that I would be coming to New York, I wondered how I would feel when I got down to the site. I've known since 9/11 that I would visit the place where the attacks happened. I have many fond memories of my vistits to NYC pre-9/11. My trips in the past have alway included a visit to WTC and sometimes staying at the WTC Marriot. A good friend worked at Cantor Fitzgerald on the 109 floor. I've visited him there and went for drinks at Windows on the World. I've looked out of his office window and seen helocopters hovering directly accross from me. Clear blue skys so brilliant that they make your eyes tear and seem endless. I looked down to we why there were several helecoptors hovering. On the street several thousand feet below, there was a parade. Have you ever seen a parade from above? This was as close I would imagine, in my feable mind, of what God's view must be. It was amazing. No words could describe it.
Needless to say, some of the people I met at Cantor that day are gone from this earth. I remeber faces.... It was a great experince to share a piece of a typical work day with my friend. Luckly, he started working else where a month before the attacks and is doing fine today.
Today, as my wife and I walked up to the site, I was apprehensive about what I was about to experience. When we flew in last night... I saw the whole in the sky where the buildings once stood. Seening NYC from the air at night is a rewarding experience. It looks like a pulsing, breathing electric organism.
(Next morning) As we turned the corner and I saw empty air where my favorite land marks once stood. It took my breath away. It was like diving into cold water. The skies were clear and blue much like the day that I visited my friend there so many years before. To say that it was surreal is an understatment. I felt deja vu.... but I HAD been there before. The bustling loud streets of the city were suddenly silent as hundreds of people around at the site... I tried to focus on something in the sky that had been there before... it was not. My memory was trying to replace the images... I closed my eyes and could see the two giants in my mind. I wanted them to be there when I opened them again. I wanted eveything to be the same as it was before... I opened my eyes and I was greeted with blues skies. Never in my life had I hated a clear blue sky, but for a few moments today, I did. I hated what those blue skies meant in that place. My two giant friends were gone. Out of the blue skies came the attacks that topple them and cause sane, able-bodied people to jump to their death. As I approached the site, I could feel that I was in a special place, a place were a terrible thing happen. A terrible thing that had left a wound on my soul. It still hurt everytime I thought of that day.
The air was chilled as I took steps toward the site. The wind was blowing from the site area and hitting me in the face. I will never forget the wind today. I'll never forget what it felt like or what it smelled like. I walked up to the fence to see what was not there. It was strange... I stood at the fence a peered in. I was in disbelief. I was a afraid and confused. I was afraid that I was going to breakdown in front of everyone there. God gave me strength as tears filled my eyes... I had my sunglasses on, so I would be ok. No would know. Then, suddenly, I felt like I was the only one there. I was alone. Just me and the place... I am convince that I was in another dimension or plain of existance. It was quiet, it was warm and still. I closed my eyes and saw the buildings crumbling in my mind. It was real. I opened them and nothing. All those poor people... gone. I was battling with the demons from that day... Right there where it happened. I picked the place for the fight and I had already decided that I would win. I would win it on the very spot where it began 4 years ago. I had prepard for this day. I knew it would come.
Then the cold wind hit me in the face and I was awakend, as if I was awakened from a dream. The people returned and I returned to this realm of reality. It was as if God had allowed me to have a moment for just me in a busy city full of people. For me to battle... To finish the fight. And it was a good fight. I could only imagine what my wife would be going through if we had a different life and we happened to live in New York and I worked at WTC... and went to work that day. I felt so thankful when she walked over and put her hand in mine...
That is when everything in my life changed today. Right before my eyes my reality was changed. As we walked around the site, I noticed men working... machinery moving earth. I noticed grass and weeds growing in the excavated area. LIFE! Life was moving. God manifestes himself in life... You see it when birds fly... when people move... in a smile. There was life in this place. It was wonderful to see. My sadness turned to joy. I knew all was good.
I looked into the blue sky and thanked it for being so blue today. I will never curse a blue sky again. I had triumphed. I was never going to feel the same about 9/11 again.
Those were sacred moments in a special place.
Returing to Texas tomorrow.
-Lance
(Posted Nov 12, 2005)
Buy a "Im mad as hell" bumper sticker here... or send one to a friend!